Let me state for the record that I am NOT pregnant. Besides, if I was preggers, I definitely wouldn't drop in a random Pinterest photo to announce it. I'd like to think I'm more creative than that:) However, I think it's time that I let you in on my journey. In the spirit of trying to improve my blog, I've decided (based on the advice of several bloggers I love and trust) to open up a bit more and get personal. I usually try to avoid serious posts on this blog, but I decided that I am finally ready, as a woman and as a blogger, to tell you all about my uterus. And why it's empty.
For those of you who don't know me very well, I am 32 years old. I feel like this number might be shocking to some of you, as I am rarely serious here. But yes, I am 32. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for over 3, and I like to think we're pretty stable: personally, professionally and financially.
However, we really love our life in the city, and we definitely did not jump on the baby train right away. We even discussed never having kids at all. But deep down, I've always known that I am meant to be a mother.
We started trying for a baby in December of 2010. Like many women, I was scared. Scared of how our lives would change. Scared of leaving the city, because having a baby means moving to the suburbs. Scared of how my relationship with my husband would change. And scared that I'd royally screw up a child.
To combat these fears, my efforts were minimal. In other words, if I didn't put forth the effort each month (i.e. charting, temping, ovulation kits, etc), I couldn't get hurt. I suppose you could say that this was my defense mechanism. And looking back, I feel like such an asshole that I took this approach in order to protect myself.
It didn't work. I got hurt. Sure, I'd tell people that "We're fine" and "It's no big deal...we could have tried harder", but truthfully, I was crying on the inside. So then, we WOULD try harder, only to be rejected. And then I'd pretend I didn't care. I'd focus on my running. "Hell, let's scrap the baby thing altogether so I can run a marathon!" "No, wait. Let's just live in the city forever instead." "Do we REALLY want kids? Everyone with them seems miserable." (Obviously, this isn't true.)
Of course, it was all an act. It was my way of burying those emotions. And it was after a year and a half of this that I decided to throw in the towel. My doctor wanted to see me again since I wasn't pregnant, and you know what? I NEVER MADE AN APPOINTMENT. I just waited until my next annual exam.
I have to admit that removing the pressure, and enjoying our lives was really helpful. It helped me realize that everything happens for a reason. That perhaps, I wasn't really ready. And it allowed my husband and I to focus on ourselves and our marriage.
But now? It's ON! We're focused. We're excited. We're ready. Sometimes, a simple step back provides the most valuable clarity.
And who knows? There might be some serious heartache down the road. In six months (our doctor's timeline), we still might not have a baby. We might find that we cannot get pregnant. We might have to look at other options. Regardless of what the future holds, we are ready.
I've decided to close this post to comments, as I am not looking for sympathy or advice. I just wanted to share. It's as simple as that:)
And just in case this was just too serious for you, please enjoy this photo.
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